with my white flemish privilege inheriting the legacy of my colonial ancestors i have been given the opportunity to publish these words with this voice i am not claiming any authority to speak about any other bodies i simply wish to share the human freedom i am experiencing in the form of a text that in itself aims to be free it remains incomplete until you have read it and provide it with meaning

week 1 on T
smell myself feel like an intruder in my own body
has my writing changed
afraid of pimples afraid i’m not really trans
my pee scents of man doesn’t wash off in the mirror
someone benefits from my self-rejection who is that
and how much longer will i give in to him
by believing i am ugly

the one thing i know about you is this
even before you were born you were placed into one of two fictional categories: category M or category F
i know because it happened to me too
for me it was category F
just like yours my whole life revolved around learning the tricks of the trade
i learned to be pretty loving afraid i learned to desire M to please M to shave my armpits my legs my pubic hair my mustache to epilate my eyebrows my tit toe hair my beard i learned to want to bear children to wear bras to insert tampons to desire penetration to maintain a household i learned not to be impulsive to be cozy grateful obedient silent i learned to cover my body to present my body to take birth control pills i learned to be ashamed of my blood my sweat my shit my farts i learned to be fertile to be thin firm to wear makeup to be sexy to be submissive and above all i learned
to accept all this as if it were natural and normal i learned to comply not to rebel
i learned hundreds of thousands of rules that until this day i know by heart they have been ingrained this deeply
the more you play by the rules the more validation you get
the less you play by the rules the more you are cast out

week 2 on T
am i a gender and do i have a sexuality?
or do i rely on things whose norms i am not the author of?
do i not have that sexuality but does that sexuality have me?
what kind of sex would i be having if nothing were suggested
no norms always different?
the less script the freer
am i becoming free?

even animals colors books cigarette brands food clothes words gods sports cocktails beers sofas bikes songs socks shoes underwear flowers curses professions dreams prisons magazines horoscopes cars sheets sizes flavors coffee cups cell phones writing styles jewels accents sleeping bags diseases and soaps are gendered

week 3 on T
scared that if this treatment fails i’ll still have to take my own life
there is no turning back i am in mourning
tired because i can’t sleep
performance is sinking in
living in roles rolling in life
will anybody ever love the freak i am?
excuse me sir they stop me at the border they search my bag
they look at my passport they want to frisk me but they’re not allowed
because they are M and i am F

because we are put into one of two categories and because we perform the rules we also place others into one of these two categories
the distinction between M and F becomes the most important characteristic upon which we judge each other
you were taught that certain things are expected of you and you were taught to expect things from others based on their performance of M or F
the distinction is stronger than age color health origin class zodiac sign sexuality
no one is free from it it is entirely violent
your versatility as a human yields to your role as M or F
your lively desire yields to the imposed hetero script

week 5 on T
farts smell different lots of sweating dream about food
someday i’ll forget that i used to eat much less it changes so quickly unable to catch it
changing faster than the weather
on the street people ask if the dog is an F or an M
the focus on the binary is so pervasive that even the social behaviour of the
border collie is linked to it
i do it too i say
she’s a female and
she doesn’t like males

paul b. preciado: la masculinité moderne n’est pas faite de testostérone mais de pétrole et de poudre à canon (modern masculinity is not made of testosterone but of oil and gunpowder)

week 7 on T
intense dreams horny dreams my clit is sensitive
wonder if i would fuck myself if i met me my skin is beautiful
hormones fuel creativity
swollen glands on my arms
someone asks if i’m transitioning
aren’t we all?

modern M is the meat-eating inventor of the binary system (invented in 1947) of google of facebook of twitter of gentrification of speculation of colonization of heterosexuality (invented in 1886) of categorization of sexism of hierarchy of flemish nationalism of neoliberalism of rape of racism of monogamy of the nuclear family of profit of stocks of mansplaining of mortgage of reproduction of police of destruction of moral superiority of oppression of envy of hate against F hate against people of color migrants TRANS queer crip fat people
M is the symbol of the binary
it is characteristic of M to want to talk about M

week 8 on T
feel like i’m getting dumber like i can’t do two things at once
urge to write fear that i’m losing the ability the hating of the man
my shit stinks my piss stinks like they are not mine
i find my male pheromones repulsive but this androgynousness turns me on
at a party in antwerp i get into a fight with a group of white shirts
for the first time in my life i get hit in the face
it slowly dawns on me that they see me as M
can’t believe my eyes

the system isn’t broken it was built this way
the system isn’t broken it was built this way

week 9 on T
mustache has grown more leg hair
someone says nice mustache
i’ve had a mustache all my life you know
only now i’m not ashamed of it anymore
i stink hair is growing on my ass on my chin
bisexuals think i’m hot

© toni heemer

i believe that you too are trapped within this system and that you too are suffering from it
resistance inevitably starts with resistance against the rules
it is not illogical that resistance begins inside category F and among those who transcend the boundaries of gender roles
the revolution will always be ignited by those who need it to survive
for new freedoms you must take to the streets for years decades centuries to be allowed to change the rules within your category

week 10 on T
failed as F
failed as M
where i used to cry
i now celebrate
that i’ve failed the system
it is not me who is inhuman
it’s the system that is inhumane
this thought is kind of
liberating

the complex paradox of feminism involves the necessity of addressing inequality by using the category F while simultaneously deconstructing this artificial category
M and F are terms notoriously known for their susceptibility to constant change yet they continue to be used due to the repetition of images and patterns
normativity is just reproduction of existing stories
within the existing binary story the failures to embody gender roles are actually more interesting than the successes
the construct of gender itself is not the problem but rather the attention given to it
i am supposed to want to fight for TRANS rights but i am much more interested in overthrowing the existing story

week 13 on T
connected to myself beneath the mask i no longer mourn the woman i was
now i mourn that i no longer hate men but i hate
admitting it
is the dog thinner or am i truly becoming stronger?
a one night stand thinks i don’t have breasts
she says
it’s my first time with a trans guy
huh is that what i am

leslie feinberg: i don’t feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body, i just feel trapped

week 14 on T
shoulders are broader armpits smell like celery
vagina tastes like garlic toes sweat is sweet
hands are growing today i freed my breasts they belong
to me they are allowed to exist i burn my binder i exist
outside the system
smoke thousands of cigarettes
start to understand how they see me
i was once an F with balls
now i’m an M with tits

as a form of radical resistance i wish to sabotage this violent system that politicizes my human body that restricts my (sexual) freedom i want to cheat
because gender only exists in relation to the other i aim to change the perception others have of me i want to deconstruct the system to understand how deeply ingrained it is in me
i want to confront my paranoia fears and limitations i want to discover my own human experience outside the system

week 15 on T
starting to resemble my future self joints ache as if i’m growing within myself
smell my vagina my armpits my feet i like the smell i can barely understand that it actually
stinks it’s too vague to continue the shaming
come this far already i find myself beautiful
it’s not the testo pushing me towards new desires it’s because i no longer have a script i am free the binary is no longer my problem i no longer have to pretend to fit into a box i no longer need to be ashamed of my mustache my breasts my clothes my lovers

strongly influenced by and following the example of paul b. preciado i decide to hack my own body by artificially increasing its levels of testosterone

© toni heemer

week 16 on T
they say sir they move aside i’m no longer afraid on the street
sometimes people are scared of me that scares me
almost refused entry at a lesbian bar it’s karaoke
can come in but not allowed to sing
need to change my tinder profile
see how everyone is playing the part
it no longer makes me angry i laugh
listen to the spice girls and paint
my nails sky purple
i say i am a he
for your ease

at the beginning of my adventure i know three things are of crucial importance

1. to forget what was planted in my child’s heart namely that i am a freak
2. to stop assuming that i know what M is and what F is
3. to reject the concept of gender dysphoria so never pathologize myself

week 17 on T
menstrual blood is pale in color my cycle fades
testo makes me high i want all my friends to try it
blood smells like ethanol on my arms
traces of gray cement smearing blonde hairs on my jaw beast in my stomach that
wants to eat never written so much pronouns don’t matter to me anymore want to be fucked in the ass simple and gently hard and deep
someone asks if this means i am gay

today for the 147th time i apply a daily dose of 50mg of androgel (6,2 mg/g testosterone) to my upper arms
androgel is a substance manufactured for M to make M more M
for F it can be obtained by prescription after the diagnosis of gender dysphoria by a psychotherapist and under the guidance of an endocrinologist or gender clinic

Gender Clinic:  People with gender dysphoria have a strong sense of dissatisfaction concerning the gender they were born and raised with. Their gender does not match how they feel and how they want to express themselves. Some are so affected by this that it can lead to depressive symptoms or anxiety. If the feelings of gender dysphoria do not disappear through psychotherapy, hormone treatment or gender-affirming surgical procedures can be considered.

week 18 on T
jerk off in the bathroom while looking at myself in the mirror
standing a little bent and completely naked take my clit between thumb
and forefinger and quickly move the head between the skin around it i cum
deeply and intensely my clit remains erect for days and nights at least two centimeters
can lift a washing machine now

there is nothing i can be denied by the system for i do not ask for permission i have no desire to be recognized by the state i use my own body as a weapon of resistance
ironically it is the person in whose womb my hormonal balance originated the person who raised me in the distortion of the cage of category F that is prescribing the doses of androgel
androgel my permissionless invention my new use of an existing thing without asking for permission my body hack
it costs me 59,81 euros per month not reimbursed

week 19 on T
feel alive don’t know if it’s the sun or the testosterone
getting older but growing younger
not allowed to participate in a self-defense workshop
because it’s for trans men who are gay
suffer badly from gender tinnitus it doesn’t go away by being seen as M it lies
deeper refuse to be reduced to one of two categories
that rot away my creativity

my blood results on day 0 on testosterone indicate a total of testosterone 30 ng/dL
reference values between 8,4 and 35,0 meaning you are an F
you are an M when your values are between 300 and 1000
someone with a total testosterone between 35 and 300 doesn’t exist
because then you are not fertile you do not reproduce
on day 147 on testo i no longer exist

week 20 on T
push off scrape my elbows go harder give all
my strength
barely keep my balance all at once
on my knees as if i’m digging a hole i go
faster and harder deeper and deeper
take her nails in my skin follow her orders i pant
she kicks she wants my tongue she wants more mouth than i can give
she wants in all her holes
nothing makes me happier than our wasted cum
nothing to fertilize nothing to reproduce
machines printing nothing new
our sex is a hack without a script
we reinvent ourselves
like dolphins dance
the pirate and the trans

jean jaurès: il faut changer les noms de toutes les choses (we must change the names of all things)

horse-ness means seeing reality as an imperfect version of the perfect
individual horses exist but the horse species as a whole is a human construction an attempt at categorization necessary for faster learning for associative thinking that is for being able to judge when it is not clear
a child on a beach says
you have a girl’s voice but you are a boy

david graeber: revolutionary action is not a form of self-sacrifice, not an unwavering dedication to whatever is necessary to achieve a future world of freedom. it is the rebellious determination to act as if one is already free

uniformity confines us to social rules and prevents us from discovering ourselves
it is allowed for the 7,9 billion human nuances to express themselves
the abolition of the binary is not the denial of differences but rather an indifference to differences a celebration of the versatility of being human
my existence shows the understanding of the violence of the absurd role-playing game and nurtures the hope that it can be different because dysphoria does not belong only to TRANS

© toni heemer

what i was taught is opposing my experience and i believe it is happening to you too
what will it mean when a new generation steps out of the binary model and becomes visible by removing the stigma of TRANS? is this not the human revolution that M F and T need?
welcoming the other for who they truly are not for what we project onto them
and from there will we think about borders and colonization?

TRANS (after loup rivière)
is the distance between me and the institutionalized fiction that does not understand my case
TRANS
is the magnetic shield that protects me from what i am not
TRANS
is not me
TRANS
walks beside me surrounds me keeps me warm but i am not it
i am
TRANS
because you say i am
TRANS
as long as you think there’s a link
between my clitoris a pronoun my mustache and a social role you know
TRANS
is the difference between the failed thing that i am and the violent project to divide the wonderfully infinite variety of life into only two categories
TRANS
is what you see when you don’t see me
i am not TRANS swimming in the sea
i am a thing that becomes that thinks like you i sing i sink
in the sea of the future there is radical change from the bottom up
i am TRANS for you until you are ready to see
ready
to swim that sea with me

andrea gibson: i cut my hair and grew out my feelings instead. if someday i have a mustache, i know i’ll be comfortable wearing a dress

written in january 2024 under the influence of testosterone and of lsd and of paul b. preciado léa rivière virginie despentes bell hooks jack halberstam shinya yamamoto max wolf valerio adrienne maree brown anna achmatova clementine morgan maggie nelson monique wittig mckenzie wark léane alestra judith butler esther hicks andrea gibson lou sullivan harry dodge michel foucault kae tempest & laboria cuboniks